Grow Up

Am I hardening in my old age? Is it normal for a 22 year girl to spend nights at home listening to Michael Buble? Is it alright that I'm ready for bed at 10 o'clock and enjoy doing things like sorting my wash? Is it odd that when Selina was visiting she repeatedly mistook my normal clothes for my "gym" clothes? And is it weird that I am doing all of this in Thailand?

It is remarkable how much I feel like I have aged in the last 8 months. In which sense do I mean? Wrinkles and night cream? Or fine wine and cheese. Hard to say. What I do know is that things that once sent me running for the door hardly cause me to bat an eyelash now. While things for which I used to have an amused tolerance now cause involuntary face making. That and I regrettably carry out my days in different variations of the same oversized pants.

A few fears which have gone to the wayside in the last 8 months: airplanes, lonliness, boredom, fashion faux pas. Sure I still hate airplanes but hyperventalating into a paper bag won't get me to Laos. Sure loneliness is scary. But eating a nice meal alone is sometimes just what I need. And the oppressive heat, the unbelievable filth with which my body is caked in after a day of simple life, sends thoughts of skinny jeans and "going out tops" running for the hills.

It took every single piece of my courage to make the choice to move here. I did not like airplanes. I was scared to be away from home. I did not want to leave my friends. I didn't know what to expect. In short, I just didn't want to come. But now as I sit safely in my Chiang Mai home, snuggled cozily into size 12 shorts and an old man t, I am so thankful that I did. And perhaps my new hardness has caused a completely insensitive buckeling under the presence of a certain type of softness.

My new pet peeves center around my daily struggle with fragility, apathy, disinterest. There are only so many times left in my being that I can excuse a person to skip class in order to go to the hospital under the pretense of, "it rained yesterday." Or, "pain in hand." I'm sure many of us have been in situations where it rained yesterday and we currently have a pain in our hand. I just ask you all to make sure that those are not the reasons you cancel your Wednesday.

Last June I was praying for an excuse to avoid Thailand. Rain, pain in hand. But my hands were fine and the day I left it did not rain. If 8 absences at Payap means you cannot take the final exam, I hate to think what 8 months of sitting at home and afraid would have caused me to miss.