Yet Another Name Game

I like to think that the woman I share a cubicle with, Teuy, and I have gotten close. We spend our days working only 6 feet apart from eachother and while it's not constant chatter it is always reassuring to know that she is there. Working, talking on the telephone, looking at pictures of Winnie the Pooh. Teuy loves Pooh. Teuy wears a ring of Pooh holding a pearl. Teuy has a toilet paper dispenser in the shape of Pooh. Teuy works surrounded by pictures, cartoons, stickers of Pooh and the gang. Teuy ends many sentences with, "you know, I love Pooh." When I recently asked why she loved Pooh so much her response was, "we have the same figure. And he's cute like me." I love Teuy. Teuy loves Pooh.

Teuy's real name is Chollada. Our at least it was until Friday. Friday afternoon Teuy left the desk for about 20 minutes. As she floated casually back into the cubicle I looked up. "Where have you been?" I asked. "Changed my name," she said. "I'm now Chollaphat."

This is not the first time I have witnessed a Thai person change their name at the drop of a hat. The office secretary recently went from Aey to Sassy and a boy in my class who mysteriously disappeared from my roster came to my office to inform me that he changed his name because his old name was "bad luck." Everyone else takes this in total stride. "Oh I'm sorry Collada isn't your name anymore? What should I call you now?" Name changing is common and quite normal. Whenever I ask a Thai person why this occurs the answer is always, "Thai people are crazy! Oh and by the way I'm not going by Pornthip anymore."

Rage Against the Men

Many people have asked me about the men in Thailand. Their voices eager with the glittering hope of exotic Asian beauties or athletically toned bodies. The reality couldn't be further from their imaginations. Thai men, I will admit, are often times quite beautiful. But I do mean "beautiful" in a somewhat androgynous sense. Then there is the added problem of the gender-ambiguity coupled with the ripe truth that I find little difference between the physical appearance of the men and women aside from hair length and and make-up application. But even those theoretical give-aways are bent so frequently that you really can never assume anything. Blend in the fact that Thai men are generally about 6 inches shorter than me and 40 pounds lighter than me and the question about men in Thailand suddenly sounds like some sort of joke.

But there have to Westerners? you might be thinking. The American in men in Thailand (or at least the American men who have come solo and are over the age of 28) can only be described as mutants suddenly revered as gods in a land of blindness. Even the most foul, the most lecherous, the most unappealing White specimen is here considered god-like, a poster-child for all that is beautiful in the world.

A frequent sight is the consistently disturbing crusty 75-year old farang (white dude) feeling up his hot 20 year old Thai girlfriend who in turn looks bored and slightly irritated.

To set the scene even further. Every day Lauren and I eat lunch at the school cafeteria or canteen. Every day a group of about 5 absolutely horrifying American men morph into the eating area. They are a group of men who I might feel bad for at home, and who I will probably be struck down by the gods for physically condemning with such vehemence but their egos, their practices, and their self importance make me feel at least a pinch justified.

So the men morph in. Oozing into the cafeteria. Their paunches dripping out between the buttons on their shirts, their one solitary nostril growing hairs by the millisecond and their flipper like arms hanging awkwardly only reaching to about their nipples, which thank god I have not seen but which I am sure they would offer up for my viewing pleasure were I to say the word.

As they limp into the cafeteria on their orthopedic shoes their is a sudden intake of breath from the Thai women. Who are these godlike men?

The men's conversation generally goes something like this.

Man with bleeding ear lobe and lazy eye: Yea my girlfriend Gift isn't here this weekend. (sound of retainer saliva being retracted into mouth) She's got a modeling job in Bangkok.

Man with one yellow tooth and Hawaiin printed crop top: Yea Pim is modeling this weekend too. I wonder if they're both in Bangkok together!

I cringe silently over whatever rice dish I am eating and then quietly retreat to my blog to bash. I do feel a hint of guilt writing these words but then I think of Gift and Pim. Probably beautiful. Probably charming. Probably about the sweetest people you will ever meet and my words suddenly feel justified almost necessary.

In comparison to these leeches perhaps America really is the land of plenty. In America there are loads of men with arms at normal lengths, and shirts the right size for their pork-stuffed bellies. Every day in America I see men WITHOUT orthopedic shoes and crusted snot on different parts of their face. Now if only I could get the Thai women to see those men too.

Winter Months

Apparently winter has dawned on our sleepy Northern city. What this has meant in way of temperature change is nothing. It is still 95 and sunny. What this has meant in way of changes in the Thai wardrobe is drastic. Fur lined sweaters, hats, stockings, and chic boots. The Asians are reminding me of the Miami Cubans, I bet they too are wearing fur lined sweaters on 95 degree days. But hey, it's winter right?

My Tengrish (think about it) is getting better and better. On Monday an exchange in the classroom went something like this.

Me: Can someone please tell me what 'conflict' is?

Thai Boy: Cereal

Me: No that's 'Cornflakes.'

A response like "cereal" would have left me floored months ago but at this point I hardly even smiled. He was close. They sounded similar. I take the blame.

It's a Girl

As if the Thais weren't enough I am now also teaching a class for Chinese students studying abroad.

Unlike the Thais who have nicknames like Fitness and Dump, the Chinese have "English Names" which are in theory meant to help poor suckers like me who cannot pronounce their actual names.

Nobody seems fairly attached to these names though as today in class Amy 1 asked if she should change her name because she didn't like sharing it with Amy 2.

At some point my entire class must have been given a list of popular American names from the dawn of time. Amy is a rare "modern" name in a class littered with Darolina's and Herb's. One poor girl has chosen the name, Albert.

Today after class a nameless student asked me to help her choose an English nickname. She said she wanted something "old-fashioned." So she, myself, and a gathering of Connie and Amery's sat around and made a list of names. Margaret was deemed too hard to pronounce. Beth was a close second but the winner was Julia. Equipped with new name and a mighty grin, Julia was born. Although when one of the Amy's leaned in and said excitedly, "like Romeo and Julia!!" I realized that she might have chosen her new name for the wrong reasons.

Re-Writing the Classics

I teach a class entitled, "American Literature: 1850-Present." Such broad parameters; the white whale, the birth of modernism, then post-modernism, stories of war and women. With such greats at our fingertips the class has come to be defined not by the mighty pen but rather by the motley seven who make up my faithful students. Maxi, AJ, Bhu, Mustafah, Off, Mae and Ufuk.

The hour and a half long class usually goes something like this. Bhu, the adorable and punctual, enters the room before me. Setting the room accordingly, turning on the air conditioner, arranging the chairs, taking out his pen and sitting quality in preparation. Next come Ufuk and Mustafah, Turkish students earning their bachelors in Thailand. They come in chatting in Turkish and continue to fill the room with noise in a multitude of languages for the duration of the class. Then Mae, quiet and sweet. Maxi, my ladyboy, is always clad with excuse. About 15 minutes into class Mae calls Maxi, and Maxi is inevitably "at home with a sore throat," "talking to her landlord."

Off has come one time. When I asked about his absences to the other students they casually explained, "Oh, he has brain damage." I will say that I don't believe them.

Finally AJ. AJ is a dwarf which could excuse her for being 45 minutes late to class every day were it not for the fact that I have walked with AJ and she can move about twice as fast as I can. After AJ arrives late she excuses herself to "the toilet" for about 30 minutes.

Together we read Dickinson, Whitman, Fitzgerald and Faulkner. Wish you were here.

Old love rediscovered

I have rekindled my love affair with the poet Dorothy Parker. I discovered her in High School and at 15 found her words earth-moving. At 22 I feel the same way. Here are two of her poems that I can't get out of my head.

Resume

Razors pain you;

Rivers are damp:

Acids stain you;

And drugs cause cramp.

Guns aren't lawful;

Nooses give;

Gas smells awful;

You might as well live.

De Profundis

Oh, is it, then, Utopian

To hope that I may meet a man

Who'll not relate, in accents suave,

The tales of girls he used to have?

The Holidays

It's festival season here in the North country. Halloween followed closely by the Thai festival, Loi Khratong.

For Halloween I dressed up as a baseball player. Costume pickings being slim and the aching truth that Thai pants will not button on my body, I manufactured said baseball uniform with the items from my closet. However, I overlooked one small detail. Many Thai people do not know what baseball players dress like. My night mainly consisted of answering the simple question, "what are you?"

The morning after Halloween Chiang Mai woke up to 3 days of Loi Khratong. Loi Khratong is the Thai festival during which they apologize to the river for using her water and for polluting her water. For days Chiang Mai has been turned upside down in celebration. The main marks of the holiday are lighting floating candles and releasing them into the sky as well as making "khratong" which are little floating objects made of flowers, leaves, frawns and candles. They then float the khratong onto the river and the city's moat. Essentially the apologize for polluting the river by REALLY polluting the river. It is beautiful though.

Imagine just for a second the entire city out in the streets. The sky filled with lanterns and the water filled with candles.

Then add into the mix the fact that every man, woman and child is simultaneously lighting fireworks. The city has essentially been exploding for the last 3 days.

As I learn about Thai culture I am trying to teach my students a bit about American culture. This weeks topic in Conversation is "Iconic Western Figures." I wrote the names of 10 people on the board. People who I thought everyone should know. There were a few mistakes in the identification of these Western giants.

"Iconic Western Figures" as identified by Conversation 216.

Shakespeare: The author of "Romeo and Juliet", "Phantom of the Opera" and "Grease".

Marilyn Monroe: A woman with a black spot on her face.

Uncle Sam: A bad guy character from The Simpsons

Albert Einstein: The first man on the moon (with crazy hair)

I think we have all learned a few things this holiday season.